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Tuesday, September 14, 2010
How I'm feeling
I don't have the mood swings...yet, so that is good. Last week we Rob cleaned out the garage of most of the baby stuff, that was super hard. I had to leave the room a few times to go to my room and cry into my blanket so Rob wouldn't hear me.
You see I would have had a dozen kiddos if I hadn't had c sections, fear of the operating table or a hysterectomy. I haven't told many of my church friends because they have babies, new ones, or are pregnant. So just bear with me. I do want more children but every year that passes makes me a year older and am I too old now to try the adoption thing, something that Rob and I have been so passionate about and now it seems to have gone to the way side. Maybe that is why I'm so sad. I just want that baby so bad.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Remebering American Pride
My very dear friend John wrote a song called American Pride and if you click on the link it will take you to his video. Always, Ranee
http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=497562784357
Today I remember 9 11
I remember, I see the numbers 9 11 and I think emergency. I still feel the panic, when I remember. I still remember what i was doing that morning, what I was wearing, panic, I remember the panic. When I was able to watch the coverage I cried for everyone. I still do. Because it is sad and it should be a sad thing and people should still be crying when they see those pictures or watch those videos. This is something I will never forget. I don't dwell on it but for this day I remember...always remember.
When I look at this photo I see Lady Liberty, she is tall, strong, and looks like she is ready to fight for what she is watching occurring to her great love, her country. That is all I want to say right now.
Monday, September 6, 2010
I'm getting better!
So it has been a whirl wind summer with several trips to the Doctor, changing Dr's and a trip to the ER. After all that was said and done...I had three options for getting my heavy bleeding under control. One, a D and C, two an oblation and three a hysterectomy...all had there chance of success and the last ending with a 100% success. I CHOOSE to get a hysterectomy. I was never overwhelmed or nervous about my decision, only peace about it the whole time and even now.
I have to tell you that every two weeks I'd start to feel sick and wonder will I bleed and drop clots that big again...what's wrong can they fix me? I was having hormone issues, plain and simple, nothing was physically wrong with my uterus, hormonally I just couldn't stop bleeding heavily and it only became worse after G.
So Friday morning very early I went in and had the outpatient procedure done. I never had surgery before, except for my three c-sections, so going under was new for me. At 7:15 am after the prep was done they gave me a sedative to calm me down as they wheeled me into the operating room. I kissed Rob goodbye and I was asked when I last had a vitamin and I never answered, they just made an estimated guess and we were off...I don't remember anything til I was in recovery when I kept asking to use the bathroom and they kept saying I had a catheter.(silly me) My mouth had never been so dry in my life and I think I didn't get over the meds til Saturday night as I was at home. During my one day stay, I stayed on the maternity floor, not the best for most women who have a hysterectomy. I remember a woman near my room had just delivered and her baby was crying...I was out and dreamed about holding another dear child in my arms and feeling there peach fuzz against my check(that is my favorite about new born babies). Then I woke up. I still was confined to the silly bed til 6pm because they wouldn't take out my catheter...I was itching to get out...at one point a little freaking out because of the affects of the drugs and unable to move...my bum was hurting. The carthiter came out we did a lap aroound the floor and I have to say I was disapointed the nursery shade was closed but walked back to my room.
Since this surgery was laperscopic I had an incision in my belly button, and one on either side of it. I found out I am allergic to hospital bandages and tape. So off came the bandages. The rest of the night I was in and out...I did finally get to eat 26 hours after my last meal and that did not settle well with me(you can imagine!) So we went to bed around 11 and the nurse came in shortly there after to take my vitals and told me that I had to have a patient care done by 5:30 am because that is as long as we are able to stay(23 hour out patient care) Rob and I laughed a bit and said ok and the nurse also let us know that we could sleep in but that patient care had to end by that time, no more meds etc. So 4:30 am rolled around and my kind nurse came in and gave me my final meds and asked if I needed anything, reminded me of my checkout time and left, now I was awake so I said lets go I can sleep at home. So we did.
I had all Saturday to sleep and do nothing. I'm not good at doing nothing and so I was doing little things without Rob noticing so I could do something til the kiddos came home...it took forever for them to come. But 8pm they were home and I was happy finally the anastasia had worn off and I was now in c section pain(that is how I described it to my Dr...when I asked pre-surgery he said it was a dull pain...I later informed him it was as painful as a c-section(my last c-section, which was more painful than the previous ones)...he giggled...but now he knows!
Now it is Monday night and Rob will be home the rest of the week...I'm going to go crazy not doing anything. today I did go on my first outing...to Lowes, we bought a new fan, and I did over do it but come on I don't know what I'm going to do with four more days under house arrest. But I am feeling better. Even though I yearn to hold that baby with the peach fuzz hair I know I will get that chance. My baby maker may be gone but my chance to continue to mother is not!
This is not for you, but for me, Isabella and my children's children. Comment if you'd like but please don't feel pity. I don't
I have to tell you that every two weeks I'd start to feel sick and wonder will I bleed and drop clots that big again...what's wrong can they fix me? I was having hormone issues, plain and simple, nothing was physically wrong with my uterus, hormonally I just couldn't stop bleeding heavily and it only became worse after G.
So Friday morning very early I went in and had the outpatient procedure done. I never had surgery before, except for my three c-sections, so going under was new for me. At 7:15 am after the prep was done they gave me a sedative to calm me down as they wheeled me into the operating room. I kissed Rob goodbye and I was asked when I last had a vitamin and I never answered, they just made an estimated guess and we were off...I don't remember anything til I was in recovery when I kept asking to use the bathroom and they kept saying I had a catheter.(silly me) My mouth had never been so dry in my life and I think I didn't get over the meds til Saturday night as I was at home. During my one day stay, I stayed on the maternity floor, not the best for most women who have a hysterectomy. I remember a woman near my room had just delivered and her baby was crying...I was out and dreamed about holding another dear child in my arms and feeling there peach fuzz against my check(that is my favorite about new born babies). Then I woke up. I still was confined to the silly bed til 6pm because they wouldn't take out my catheter...I was itching to get out...at one point a little freaking out because of the affects of the drugs and unable to move...my bum was hurting. The carthiter came out we did a lap aroound the floor and I have to say I was disapointed the nursery shade was closed but walked back to my room.
Since this surgery was laperscopic I had an incision in my belly button, and one on either side of it. I found out I am allergic to hospital bandages and tape. So off came the bandages. The rest of the night I was in and out...I did finally get to eat 26 hours after my last meal and that did not settle well with me(you can imagine!) So we went to bed around 11 and the nurse came in shortly there after to take my vitals and told me that I had to have a patient care done by 5:30 am because that is as long as we are able to stay(23 hour out patient care) Rob and I laughed a bit and said ok and the nurse also let us know that we could sleep in but that patient care had to end by that time, no more meds etc. So 4:30 am rolled around and my kind nurse came in and gave me my final meds and asked if I needed anything, reminded me of my checkout time and left, now I was awake so I said lets go I can sleep at home. So we did.
I had all Saturday to sleep and do nothing. I'm not good at doing nothing and so I was doing little things without Rob noticing so I could do something til the kiddos came home...it took forever for them to come. But 8pm they were home and I was happy finally the anastasia had worn off and I was now in c section pain(that is how I described it to my Dr...when I asked pre-surgery he said it was a dull pain...I later informed him it was as painful as a c-section(my last c-section, which was more painful than the previous ones)...he giggled...but now he knows!
Now it is Monday night and Rob will be home the rest of the week...I'm going to go crazy not doing anything. today I did go on my first outing...to Lowes, we bought a new fan, and I did over do it but come on I don't know what I'm going to do with four more days under house arrest. But I am feeling better. Even though I yearn to hold that baby with the peach fuzz hair I know I will get that chance. My baby maker may be gone but my chance to continue to mother is not!
This is not for you, but for me, Isabella and my children's children. Comment if you'd like but please don't feel pity. I don't
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